Tough Love

No one wants to make the fatal mistakes that create a nasty little monster, a menace to society but sadly, we see that happen more and more often. Recently even 60 Minutes presented a piece about the age of entitlement.

How have we created a youth that simply think that they deserve the 6 figure job, the hot car, and housing that their parents worked for years to save for all upon graduation?

In the attempt to overcome the challenges of our own youth and provide a better life for our children, I for one have made the mistake of over indulging them.

As a single mother, I have had to work very hard to provide for my children. Of course, I felt guilty that they didn't have the Norman Rockwell family. I wanted them to feel equal to their friends and that was no easy task. Especially since I chose to live in community bubbles where the idea of reality was severely distorted.

However, I don't think that this is a problem that is exclusive to select geographic areas. I think that it is a part of "the American Dream" that we want to be successful and surpass the achievements of our parents. However, here is lies the rub. We have been able to achieve outstanding accomplishments but I have to think that that was made possible because our parents didn't hand us everything we ever wanted on a silver platter. They couldn't but more importantly they wouldn't. They taught us a good work ethic. We heard statements like "anything worth having is worth working for."

Unfortunately, I had a rude awakening when "after all I had done..." my children didn't fall on the ground praising me, thanking me for all the sacrifices.

Then it dawned on me... Ah Hellooooo!! Ok blondie, how are they suppose to appreciate something that they know nothing about? Like hard work and sacrifice. You can not blame them for never knowing what it is like to go with out.. or to wait...or save... I created the monster and then held a resentment over it. "Why don't they recognize how lucky they are?" Then suddenly those tales about walking to school in the snow, up hill, both ways....you know the ones, Yes that we all cringed and rolled our eyes... slapped me in the face. Isn't this the same point our parents were trying to make?

We certainly didn't want to hear it, What makes us think that our kids do?

We can't blame them but we are setting them up for severe disappointment and failure. I remember that feeling of elation when I bought my first new car and how proud I was. The experience of personal growth and a sense of pride and self worth that accompany these little road markers of life's accomplishments are treasured memories. And if I don't set appropriate boundaries then I will rob my children.

I also think that sometimes the most difficult and loving thing to do as a parent is to say "No" and that applies to a lot of issues. But I think that children find security in knowing they have boundaries and can operate safely within them.

But somewhere over the past 20 years we have changed our ideas of child rearing. Some how the philosophy of "spare the rod, spoil the child" became child abuse. No I don't condone any type of child abuse but I do think that the interpretation has been taken to the extreme.

There seems to be a loss of respect replaced by a sense of entitlement. I admit that in my own efforts to make life easier for my own children I have made a mistake or two and spoiled them. I use to think that it was ok to spoil them as long as they weren't spoiled brats.

Since kids don't arrive with hand-books, I have taken classes and read a number of books trying to avoid the pit falls of parenting. One particular child psychologist that I love is named Jim Fey and he teaches that when you have established safe boundaries for your children that you welcome the opportunity for them to fail.

I know you're saying ...what??? The idea is that we learn from our mistakes. You know, the theory that no matter how many times you are told that the stove is hot, at some point, you still have to see for yourself? Well I preference this statement by safe boundaries, laying out both the expectations and the consequences. And when a child intentionally breaks the rule, you calmly apply the consequence. I have to say that this is amazingly effective and it works without having to loose your temper or surrender you position as the adult by yelling and screaming. After all failure is good, it builds character and tenacity.

When Thomas Edison was asked how he felt about the fact that he failed 99 times before he invented the light-bulb, he responded "I didn't fail 99 times. I discovered 99 ways not to do it" A gift we can give our children is the faith that anything is possible with ingenuity and persistence.

I don't believe that showing your child that you love them means that mom is spelled..ATM. I think that sometime the greatest expression of love is the ability to say NO.

I am reminded of something a friend of mine said to me the other day, she was actually speaking of our heavenly father when she said "I have been praying and praying but God just doesn't answer me" and I smiled as the correlation of parenting my own children came to mind, I touched her hand and told her that God answers EVERY prayer but sometimes the answer is "No". I look back on my life and I am thankful for so many of those "No's"